To be a parent of a special needs child takes incredible strength. To be a parent to 3 special needs children and one neurotypical is astoundingly difficult. To be the step-parent and primary caregiver to a special needs child with lots of damage is the most difficult thing I have done in my 37 years on this planet.
When my relationship with my husband started, I knew he had a 2 year old and his ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. I knew that we would have to deal with her forever and that was ok. I loved this man and his daughter as my own family and I was willing to do whatever it took to keep her safe and provide her a loving home when she was with us. We gave her a little brother and a year later, a little sister. During this time, we knew something was off. She started having night terrors and screaming that "it hurt". She was afraid to take baths. We spoke to her mother about it and we were dismissed. We were told that there is nobody around her that could hurt her. We spoke with CPS, and the courts and were specifically told that "unless there were physical signs of abuse, or proof of drug use, we would never get custody". Despite my husband having an amazing job, the ability to provie our children with a clean environment, love, and anything they could ever want or need, in the eyes of the court, we fell short of providing this to his daughter simply because he was the father. The courts believed that the best place for a child was in the care of the mother. In the following months we saw more and more signs of abuse. This included her being filthy, stinky, obese, and acting out both at school and at home and stained underwear. Her mother eventually admitted that she had been seeing a guy. When you are sexually abused, you develop a radar for guys like that. Unfortunately I have been given this ability throughout my own abuse as a child and teen. Every time this boyfriend was around, the invisible alarms in my head would scream. This guy was clearly on drugs. We noticed it in his eyes everytime he was around. He was usually angry, throwing her suitcase out of the car when they would drop her off. He was a real POS, and you could tell. He walked with his chest puffed up, but was maybe 110 soaking wet, always wore shirts with cut off sleeves. In the photos the mother would post on facebook, he was always touching our daughter. Wrestling, holding, her sitting on his lap. My radar was going off everytime he was mentioned or seen. Eventually this guy applied for a job that had connections to my husbands and he didn't get hired. My husband asked his friend why and was told "the guy came in high and we did a drug test. He failed." He gave my husband a copy of the drug report and he had tested positive for methamphetamines. We immediately took that report to CPS and showed them the proof of drug use they wanted in order for us to get custody. They told us that this guy wasn't listed on the lease so theres no proof its being done in the home. It turns out that the mother was living in government housing and he was leeching off of her without ever being on the lease. Nothing we could do. I took photos of the marks on her hips from her -too small- underwear digging in and creating sores. I took photos of bruises. I took photos of the massive knots in her hair, the dirt. I documented her night terrors... all to no avail. She is allergic to cats, yet her mother got 2. She was constantly covered in rashes and bumps. Nobody would help us get her out of there. Around age 5 she called the police "the pigs", no doubt something heard from her mother and her boyfriend. When our son was 3 and she was 5, they were playing upstairs while I folded laundry nearby. We had a rule in our house, doors must remained open. So when I heard a door close, I went to investigate and she had our son in the closet trying to pull his pants down.
It was the last straw for me. I took her to the garage where we could talk. She eventually told me that there WAS someone hurting her and touching her. I asked her if she can tell me who it is. I assured her that she isn't in trouble but she just replied "I can't tell you". I already knew. Again, we went to the courts and cps and they refused to help us, to help her.
More years were spent documenting. We had a 3rd child of our own- 4th total. We continued documenting and supervising. Correcting behaviors when she was with us. Her mother never talked to us about her needs, issues, even medical emergencies... except for one. We were told that she had been holding her bowels, so much so that she was impacted and starting to go septic. She was given lots of antibiotics and stool softeners. Of course, this was a clear sign to ME, but to everyone else.. it was just a constipated child. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Our son was going through so many issues of his own, being special needs (different story for a different day) we didn't know what was wrong with him yet, but we knew something wasn't right. Being a stepmother, you don't have rights to the child. You care for them, worry about them, sit with them when theyre sick, dedicate your life to them... but have zero rights to take them to the hospital for an exam, zero rights to tell the mother your concerns (who tf do I think I am?) You have to take a backseat and that sucks. Expending all my energy, I was fighting doctors for a diagnosis of my son, insurance for coverage of new doctors, researching laws for our daughter and caring for 3 kids, 4 a lot of times. As much as it sucks to say... we eventually had to say enough was enough and stop putting so much energy into saving our daugher. It feels awful to say, so I know how it must sound. However, we were in the worst times of our sons mental health issues and were fighting daily with doctors, insurance, therapists and school. We were putting all of our time, effort and money into getting custody of her and we had to make the very tough, very real decision to protect our younger 3 children and get them the help they needed. Her mother had her and SHOULD be able to see the things we are saying. She SHOULD be able to protect her. She failed, she failed so bad. I had no choice anymore but to continue loving our child and providing her with a safe place. Showing her she could trust in us and our home. Making sure to watch her when she was over, and monitor that she had no alone time with the little ones. I couldn't trust her alone with them when she knew the things she knew.
When she was 11 my husbands job moved us across the country. The plan was that she would spend summers with us and the school year with her mom. When she visited us, the first summer, she had just turned 12. I was cooking and she was drawing at the table. She mentioned to me that "sometimes when I wake up, moms boyfriend is in my bed". I didn't know what to do, so I just let her talk. She described the nightmare she had lived since 3 years old. She was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by him. Even though I knew, I could never prepare myself for the words that she told me. He threatened to kill her mother and her little brother (her mom and the abusers son) if she ever told. He coupled that with physically abusing her in front of her mother and acting like it was "play". He would wrestle her on the floor, and slap her or pinch her, leaving marks. When she would cry, he would make fun of her and she would get mad. She started to verbally fight back as she got older, but her mothers response was to leave them home alone so she could go for a drive and calm down. She told them that she wouldn't come back as long as they were fighting. He would abuse her mother as well. She recalls a time when he kicked the bedroom door down, and was trying to kick down the bathroom door, when her mom called the cops. The boyfriend had hidden under their trailer until the cops left and let himself back in. This was a common occurence. Our daugher hid in the bedroom with her little brother, quickly packing a bag to run. She described the sexual abuse, which occured multiple times throughout her life. How she cried once, so loud that it scared him off. Her mom came to her room, at the same time he ran back up the stairs with a snack for her. She recalled the countless times that he would climb into bed with her and press her against the wall so she couldnt escape, and he sodomized her. He would then sneak back to the living room or bedroom. She told me about times he made her stand naked in front of a baby monitor camera while he took the receiver to a different room. He made her stand like that for her moms entire work shift. When her mom came home, he threw clothing at her and told her to get dressed and threatened her. One time her mom went to the store, and he was mad and he picked her up and pulled her knees to her chest and squeezed her so hard that she couldn't breathe. He heard the mom pull up and he dropped her on the floor and went to help her mom. Then he came in and acted concerned like something had happened while he was outside with her mom. He made her think that he was strong and unbeatable. He told her of times he killed dogs with his bare hands. She watched him throw the cats against the wall and break their pelvises. She watched her mom be abused and allow him back in their lives because she was scared. All of this compounded on eachother and she truly believed that if she told, he would kill her mom and brother.
I explained to her that NONE of it was her fault and that her dad and I would protect her. I immediately texted her dad and told him what I knew. I distracted her until the time my husband got home and she told him the same story. We immediately called our local police and had them come to our house. They took statements from my husband and I and they told us to file emergency custody. We did. We then called her mother and explained what she told us and that we were keeping her for longer than agreed upon. The mother was with the grandmother and she told us to tell the grandmother what we knew. We did. The grandmother told us not to contact police. She said that our daughter likes to make up stories. Of course we didn't listen. We immediately got her a therapist and enrolled her in the upcoming school year. I knew that life would be MUCH different by taking on a 12 year old who had gone through hell and back, but I wasn't prepared for everything that has happened in the last 5 years since. We had her examined and had her give a statement. She was so scared to go through all that, but I was there for her. Holding her hand through it all. Talking her through the exam. Calming her nerves and holding her while she screamed during the physical exam. I sat with her as she hid next to the couch in therapy, writing down what was done to her because she couldn't verbalize the words. She layed on my lap and cried as I rubbed her shoulder and hair, reassuring her each step of the way. At home she tried punching her dad when she was disciplined for holding her fist up to her little siblings and backing them into corners. She was angry and she didn't understand why she couldn't go home, and at the same time she cried every night, afraid that her moms boyfriend was going to find us. Nightmares every night, listening to her scream in her sleep. Eventually we found a psychologist and she was diagnosed with ODD, PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, depression and 3 learning disabilities. She believed she was allergic to nearly everything because thats what her grandmother told her. She believed water fountains were toilet water because her mom told her that, believed her moms friends were actual family. She was manipulated into believing so many things and telling her different caused a huge arguement. We had her repeat 6th grade here because she had continually failed classes and the school system was more interested in pushing her through than educating her. How her mother never saw the clear signs of her needs, was beyond believing. She was mad about repeating 6th grade and it showed. She was still really angry, didn't make friends, failed classes. She was extremely defiant any time we tried helping her. She broke 3 bed frames and a couch by plopping on them, despite us repeatedly asking her to sit appropriately. She broke a computer desk during one of her defiant school moments. However, we continued trying to improve her cleanliness, diet, attitude, understanding she CAN eat kiwi and isn't allergic, we had her tested. She refused to shower appropriately, brush her hair, wear a menstrual pad during her period, change her underwear etc. I ended up spending 3 hours picking the mat out of the back of her head and giving her a haircut. Within a couple months of her in our care, her rashes cleared up, the constant cough she had when she lived with her mom, had cleared up (come to find out it was because her mom smoked with her in the car and home), and she started to calm down a bit. We got her on medications and her anger started to level off. Slowly, she started to do her work for school and stop faking sick everyday. She still wanted to go home, to protect her brother. Even telling us "I will deal with the abuse as long as I can protect my brother". We assured her that she is doing what needs to be done here and that will protect her brother. Then one day I got a call from her hometown police that there isn't any PROOF of abuse so they were closing the case. I was in a doctors appointment for my failing health when I got that news. The poor nurse walked in on me crying my eyes out. She tried being comforting, but she had no idea what was happening.
How could I tell our daughter that the police have failed her. They've failed her little brother. Her mother let this child predator live with her for at least a year after she disclosed. The only time she talked to our daugher about abuse was when our daughter (on xmas day) decided she wanted to tell her mom what he did, so she might protect her brother. We let her. Her mother took this moment to cry about herself and defend the abuser, stating that "sometimes adults go through complicated things" and our daughter said "but when he abused you, you took him back again and again" and her mother defended herself and got angry that her daughter even said anything about essentially failing her. I provided her mother and Aunt (way too involved) with websites, educating them on how to talk to a child who has been abused. What they should and shouldn't say. We really tried communicating with her mother, but she continued to let him live with her and refuse to go to the police.
I did a backround check on the boyfriend and its extensive. I also requested all police reports on him/them. There were quite a few domestics, drug charges, driving without a license, assaults etc. Its been five years since disclosure and the beginning of action toward the guy and nothing has happened. we recieved a call from the detective recently and were told that this pigs friends had come forward, to the bio mom, and told her that the pig was gloating about what he did to our daughter. The detective has been trying to get in touch with these people, but they are drug addicts and not reliable. Then we got a phone call that one of these guys overdosed on drugs and died. At this point, we don't believe we will ever get justice.
We continued therapy for our daughter until she stopped talking in it. She would say everything is fine. At over $200 a visit, therapy that isin't being used was just costing us money. So we removed her and got her a psychologist to prescribe meds and try to keep her on track. One day I was called into the room, with M in tears. She was telling the psychologist (and the psychologist believed her) that we expect WAY too much out of her. That we demand she gets straight A's before she can go out with her friends etc. I had to speak up for myself and our rules and the fact that this girl was lying in front of me. The psychologist asked me if I could understand why she was stressed and I said no. I said "with all due respect, this is an act. She has the capability, and often gloats, about how she can cry on command". The second I said that M folded her arms, stopped crying and threw herself back into the couch in a pout. I continued " We have the same rules for all of the children. We ask that they PASS their classes and she knows this. We don't expect straight A's from any of them, just to pass. As far as going out with friends or having friends over, there are rules. We must meet the parents and our kids have to have all homework turned in and be passing all their classes. There is no fun time if you are failing classes. They need to use their extra time to study or redo tests and try to bring up those grades". M just stared at her feet and would glance over and glare at me, in disbelief that I wasn't about to let her lie. The psychologist asked if it was true and M just shrugged, refusing to talk. Later she would blame me for making her keep quiet. She claims I wouldn't let her express herself. Now, I realize she was mad that I wouldn't let her manipulate the psychologist.
This was her freshman year, She was 15 and she was failing classes and I signed her up for after school tutoring. She wouldn't go. Instead she would lie and say she went, but really she was skipping and hanging out with friends and boys (of whom we didn't know). So I set her up with tutoring every morning before class started. She would skip again. I made up a sign in sheet and emailed all the teachers that they need to sign her sheet when she attends. Out of 20 opportunities she went to 6, and after closer inspection, she had been forging signatures. So I cancelled the tutoring and let her get whatever grades she earns.
A couple months went by and we went through M's phone in late August. We discovered she had a boyfriend (which wasn't allowed until age 16 and passing all classes) and that she was very verbally abusive to the boy. She told him in a text to go k!ll himself. We took her phone and kept it for a couple weeks. We reminded her she isn't allowed to date and that she needed to end things with the boy. At this time I also discovered that she had been using pinterest as a social media, which she wasn't allowed to have. She was posting videos and pictures of herself and even worse, she was chatting with strangers. I went through the chats and was sick to my stomach. These were grown men, preying on her and she fell into it. hook, line, and sinker. She even told them where she lives, what her dad and I do for work, what school she goes to. Trust that when she was given this phone, we had a stern talk about safety and what not to talk to people about. She was telling these men that she loved them. She even made plans with one of these grown men, to meet up in Paris when she went on her French trip with school. They made a pact to have sex. We had a stern talk with her about this behavior and the dangers. I wanted to take the phone for good. I took it and spent days combing through the entire thing. She had created a contact in her phone with a photo of her in Goth makeup, and her phone number, but the name was "Chase". She would have full conversations with herself using this method of texting and replying to herself. She made up scenarios of being in love with this character but her parents no allowing them to be together. I think this is when I really realized she was mentally sick. We had previously been told she had ODD (a defiance disorder) but this really hit home that there was something more. I discussed this with her psychologist and she wasn't concerned. In fact she didn't have any solutions or suggestions for me and after years of working with her, I didn't feel believed. With these new behavioral issues and the fact M wasn't improving, and could easily manipulate this psychologist, we let her go, with the hopes of finding a new one soon. Little did I know how impossible that would be.
In October, My husband ended up believing M had learned her lesson and gave her phone back for the secret trip we had planned. In October we took the kids on a suprise trip to Universal Studios and Disney. A week long trip at resorts and they had spending money.
Right before we left for vacation, a Hurricane hit florida and we had a small window to cancel flights and tickets. We decided to risk it, a risk that paid off because the parks were up and running the day before we got there. After getting back from this insanely expensive and stressful trip, the kids went back to school. M started skipping classes to hang out with boys and "friends" and was still failing classes. I begged the principal to give her detention in order for her to learn a lesson. Nothing we did at home helped. She would just find ways to be more sneaky about it. Eventually she did get detention and continued the skipping afterward. Then she got in school suspension and hated that so she started going to class. Then one saturday there is a knock on our front door. My husband answered it and there was a teen boy there with his dad. I knew (through research) that this boy was the one she was "Dating", but my husband was clueless. The boy asked for M, so my husband called upstairs to her. She came to the top of the stairs and saw the boy and she went back to her room. I don't remember what my husband said to the boy and his dad but I did hear the boy say that M had invited him over. My husband then shut the door and I said "thats the boy shes dating" and my husband yelled upstairs to M. We told her to bring her phone NOW or we would smash it. She brought it down and my husband smashed it on the tile floor. I believe that was the first time he actually saw how manipulative this kid was and he was over it. I went through her pinterest on my computer and saw that she had been deleting chats. You can "delete" a pinterest but the second you try logging on again, it renews it and its as if you have never "deleted" it. I changed the password, and the email to one of mine. She couldn't possibly access it. Then I reported those men to the FBI and to pinterest. Nothing came of it.
M was no longer allowed to go on the French trip, football games, tutorials or after school activities. In April of this year (2023) just a few short months after losing her privelages and her phone, her choir class had a required performance. She was supposed to be there 2 days in a row from 6-9pm. She gets out of school at 3 and is supposed to ride the bus home. But on day 1 of these performances, she didn't come home. She didn't call. We had no idea where she was. I called the choir teacher and she said she hadn't seen her after school but she will tell her to call me if she shows for the performance. I called the 1 friend, whom I did have a number for and she said she hadn't seen M either, but that M told her she was staying after school to wait for the concert. I contacted the school and asked if my kid was there waiting in the choir room. She wasn't. I told them to have her call me as soon as shs was seen. Then I went through the numbers that had called me, knowing M had used her friends phones to call me from time to time. I found a number and called it. The girl seemed shocked that I didn't know where M was. I asked this girl if I could talk to her mom and she agreed. This mom said she didn't know where my daugher was either. I thanked them and continued to search for clues when I got a call back from a mom. She said she had talked to her daughter about M and she told me that M had been telling people for months, that we abuse her. That I (specifically me) am basically the typical "Evil stepmother". I was told that M owes people money for doing things for her and buying things for her. I explained to the mother, and her daughter who were now on speaker phone that M has mental disabilities and I listed, point blank, all of the things we have done to try to help her. The mother was extremely sympathetic, even voicing her own problems with her daughter. I then spoke to the daughter and told her that being a mother is hard, but we are doing the best we can. This is our first time at life too. The daughter then gave me a number for a boy who hangs out with M. The mother and daughter thanked me and let me go to keep searching. They would later call again to check up and see if we found our child. I called this boy and was told that he had no idea where she is. I thanked him and told him that if he saw her, to give me a call so I know shes safe.
Since the concert started at 6 (we had tickets to see the second performance so couldn't get in to this one) my husband headed off to the school at 5 to sit and wait and watch for her to show up. I called the first friend again, who should be at the school now, and she said that M was there! Relief and anger filled my blood. I then get a text from this friends phone, from M, asking if we can pick up fast food on the way home because shes hungry. I ignored this text and the follow up text asking again.
My husband just decided to sit and wait for her to come out after the performance. When it was done, I received a call from the choir director who said he was standing outside with M and they couldn't find her ride. I told him her dad was there. On the way home, my husband questioned why she didn't come home. She tried telling him that I knew she wasn't coming home and that she was going to sit at the school until the performance. She never told me such a thing. When they got back, we had a very long talk. I told my husband that she never told me she wasn't going to come home and that she waited at the school. I called out her bullshit and told her that the school was checked and she wasn't there. We told her that we would be contacting the principal to watch the cameras and see if she was there and she admitted that she went with a friend and the friends mom to their house. I got in contact with this mom through facebook and verified that she was there. The mother stated that M told her she had permission and that they picked up fast food and hung out at the house. I told her the truth.
We had a very long talk about proper behaviors and right and wrong. I then told M that she would not be attending the concert the next day and that she would receive an F for that grade, due to her own behaviors. The next choir performance happens and I get a call from the same boy I had spoken to the day before. He asked if M was coming to the performance and I told him no.
The next morning, a monday morning, I took our kids to school and when I get home there is a police car in front of my house. Sometimes cars like to park there to take calls so I didn't think anything of it, until there was a knock on the door. The policemen said they already talked to my husband and understand I took M to school but they wanted to talk to me as well. They told me that someone had called the police for a welfare check due to abuse claims. We had a long chat, over an hour about M's diagnosis, her past, and what recently happened.
Then I went through our daughters chats (again through the school system) and saw that, even though many messages were deleted and conversations incomplete, I did see that this friend offered to kill me on more than one occassion. When M came home after school, I called the police to come and talk with her and to see that there is nothing going on. They had a long chat with her too, about how she isn't allowed to not call or tell people where she is. That if she needs an adult and cannot go to her parents to call them and they will go for a walk with her to cool down and talk etc. At that time I also reported the kid who offered to kill me and I showed them the messages where she also said she was going to kill another kid at school. They told me to report it to the school security, so I did. Nothing ever came of it. Per usual.
Then I get a call from the school counselor. Come to find out, the boy she liked and had been "dating" decided to break up with her and in a last ditch effort to get his attention, she cut herself with a scissor in front of him to gain his pity. Another student reported it and the counselor called me. I went into her room while she was in school and put everything that she could use as a weapon, into plastic bags. Hoodies with strings, cords, razors, tacks, pencil sharpeners etc etc.... I immediately told my husband that she needed to be put in the mental hospital. That our 3 younger children have now seen police at our house, they are being abuse daily by M and now she is cutting herself. He took her to a mental hospital, and decided not to check her in, due to the behaviors of the other kids there. He was afraid of her learning new distructive behaviors. However M was able to see a teen come in, strapped to a stretcher, screaming at their parents. She saw the kids in hospital gowns walking to their classes up and down the halls. I hoped this would wake her up, but it didn't. I decided not to send her back to school for the final week, as she was still skipping classes, and teachers didn't care. Her counselor was understanding and agreed to let it happen. I found an outpatient treatment center about an hour away that seemed like a good place for her.
But let me tell you, I was hurt inside. I was majorly wounded by the things we had found out. I had been the constant adult in her life, always. I had been the one she disclosed the abuse to, and I was the one to put protective measures in place and deal with the police and the detectives. I was the one holding her hand during her physical exam. I was the one cradling her in her therapy sessions where she recounted abuse and I had to, in a way, relive mine. I never got justice for my traumas and here I was listening to it happen to another child. Listening to the stories of another child whos childhood was taken from them. I listened to how many times I failed her and I felt such guilt that we couldn't do more, sooner. We tried, but roadblocks of legality, custody, proof, and the "justice" system failed her and failed all of us.
Now it was up to me to take her to and from outpatient therapy every day. An hour there, 3 hours waiting, and an hour home, EVERY DAY. 2 days of the week, I had to attend 5 hours of group therapy with her. I had to sit there and do exercises and participate in conversations when on the inside, I was tore up. I was beyond hurt and angry. Not only had she been manipulative and lied on multiple occasions... not only did she take everything I have done for her, for granted.... but she ruined my character. She made people believe I was an abusive, evil person. The truth is that I am a giver. I don't feel important unless i'm doing something for someone. I often take on more than I can handle, just to be helpful to others. I give people way too many chances. I forgive too easily, and I would rather bend until I break, than ask for help. It wasn't fair, and that may sound like a sob story and make you want to say "oh shut up, you're the grown up", but at this time, my soul was absolutely crushed. I didn't know that what I was going through, had a name. Caregiver fatigue is what they call it. When we first got legal custody, I did end up in a sort of mental breakdown. My brain literally stopped working. I remember talking to my husband and I could feel all the words leaving my brain. Everything went black and all I could say was "I dont know words! I dont know words" and somehow I ended up crying and hyperventilating on the bathroom floor with my husband sitting there, bewildered. I don't know how long it took to get my vocabulary back but it scared the hell out of me. When I could see and think again, the look on my husbands face will never be forgotten. He was scared, concerned, confused. We both were. And yet so much more shit has happened since that time. My body had paid the price for all of the stress I was under. I was nearly bald from my hair falling out, my heart rate was around 120 resting, I was dizzy all the time, my migraines were out of control, Stomach issues I can go on and on. Not to mention that the year of her disclosure was also the beginning of covid restrictions, lockdowns, and the unknown of what that would entail.
So here I am, sat at the intake for this therapy program and they tell me that she doesn't have ODD, she has RAD. Reactive attachment disorder. They usually diagnose under the age of 5 but in this case, she was never properly diagnosed. They told me that their program doesn't cater specifically to RAD kids but that she could use the things they teach and it would help. She was misdiagnosed for 4 years in our care. Ive seen and heard of horrible, awful things that RAD kids do, and i'm told that if it wasn't for the time we had her with us in her young life, and the fact we got full custody at age 12, she would be much worse. We were praised that we did well. I believe on the spectrum of RAD that she is on the lower end. I know it can be worse, but that really doesn't discount what we have been through. When we got custody, I hoped and prayed that we had enough time to provide her the childhood she didn't have, while teaching her how to be a proper pre-teen. That we had enough time to instill in her the positive traits that every human should have. That we could get her to shower properly, and take care of herself properly. That we could get her diet in check and teach her about being healthy, both physically and mentally. From what we are told, we did a good job. Its hard to let these words sink in and to believe them because we life in this nightmare every day. At first neither she or I talked during therapy. I was hurt, too hurt to say anything without opening the floodgates of emotion that I was holding back. But one day during therapy, one of the few times my husband was able to go, I opened up. I explained how hard I have worked to be a good human being and to know that M destroyed my reputation because she was "bored" as she said, wrecked me. Knowing that anyone in this world thinks i'm a bad person is enough to make me FEEL like a bad person. I explained that I dont feel that M cares, I dont think shes capable of caring for anyone but herself. I aired it out and I felt better, but I knew that it wouldn't make a difference with her. I knew she didn't care. I felt dumb for saying anything because I feared she would use it against me at one point or another.
And during therapy, I noticed M picking up traits from the other teens there. There was 1 girl in particular who said she was Gender fluid. The very next therapy session, the director asked if M had something to say to us. She nodded and nudged M, eggging her to speak her "truth". It was obvious that they had discussed this in therapy beforehand.... and with tears in her eyes she confessed she was, in fact, gender fluid. She said she was too scared to say anything and that we would judge her. Let it be known that her younger sister is bisexual and she knows that we don't judge that sort of thing. I myself, am bisexual as well and am very understanding in that aspect.I was angry. I could see through this game she was playing. I just said "ahh" and let it go. I didn't say anything during therapy. I truly felt in that moment that they were believing her crap, but I wan't about to bite what she was putting down. This person who said she was genderfluid was someone M liked. She said it from day 1, how much she liked this kid. How "cool" she was. This child would wear a skimpy skirt and a bra to therapy. Soon after starting, M tried wearing just a bra to therapy and I said no. This kid would wrap herself in a blanket, so soon M started doing the same. This kid would sit and color during therapy, so M did the same. This kid had a lisp, M developed a lisp. So I wasn't about to believe a single word she said. Truth be told, its been 8 months since therapy and she hasn't mentioned the genderfluid thing once since that day.
I had to rely on a neighbor and a friend to watch my other 3 kids, so I could do this therapy crap. The therapy they provided was for teens with depression and basic anger and attitude problems and not really for M. We stayed, we tried. Toward the end of her 8 weeks of therapy, we were supposed to write out rules for M. She wanted her phone back and the therapist wanted to come up with a plan for that to happen. I told her it wont be happening. I told her that this kid risked her families safety and her own life, all the while telling another kid to go kill himself. I wont provide her a phone to continue those problems. The therapist wasn't happy with my answer. She then said M's other goal was to be able to hang out with her friends at the mall and to go for walks to the convienence store down the road. This convienence store has bars on the windows, we live just outide of a city and its not safe for kids to be going anywhere alone. I told the therapist that in order for her to have friends over, we need to meet the parents, and that M doesn't want that to happen. So until then, she cannot hang out with anyone. The therapist didn't like that either. I sat there and explained our new rules... They are as follows:
-You want a phone, get a job and pay for it yourself. We will have all access to the phone and the ability to take it away if you mess up.
-You want a job so you can get a phone? You have to be passing your classes.
- You want to hang out with friends, we have to meet the parents and have phone numbers and you must be passing classes. a parent must be present.
- You want to go to driving class and get your permit? Get a job and pay for it.
- You want to sit on your butt and not study or do your work, you will fail classes and get nothing you want.
- If you don't come home when expected or you leave without permission, the police will be called and you will be reported as a runaway
- If you sneak anyone in our home, the police will be called, they will be arrested and you will go to a hospital.
- If you self harm, you will be admitted to a mental hospital
The therapist was taken aback by our rules. She thought they were unfair. I told her "look, no matter what punishment we give her, or any reward, she doesn't care. She thinks we are stupid parents and our rules are stupid and we are strict. She can have the things she wants, but she has to work for it and do it herself. Natural consequences are what we are now choosing to do. " M was mad, she said it wasn't fair and I told her that life isn't fair. Her father and I aren't going to willingly provide ways to watch her self destruct. Thats where we left therapy. We were recommended to send her to a facility where she would live, go to school, and learn all the things she needs to know for taking care of herself. We simply don't have the money to send her, but I would love to. I believe it would help her most of all. But the really frustrating thing about having special needs kids is that you are alone. A visible disability qualifies for government help, but with a mental disability, you get nothing.
Its now December of 2023 and she has begun skipping classes again in order to hang out with boys. The teacher mentioned shes done it multiple times but that she is tired of it. I will be contacting the principal to give her detention for being out of class when they go back to school after break. I will also be contacting every teacher to speak about her shenanigans and manipulations. It doesn't seem like anything has changed in her mind. Just that she needs to be smarter, come up with better excuses, be more charming and to space out her manipulations. As it stands, she shows more signs of narcissistic personality disorder than anything else. So I believe that is what this will turn into. I havn't taken her anywhere with me since her therapy ended. She gets to go to the store with her dad, but I cannot handle even being in the same room as her. I get this adrenaline rush in my chest and stomach when I have to talk with her, about her or around her. I dont sleep, for fear that someone really thinks she is being abused and shes taken up their offer to kill me.
For a long time I asked myself why me... why does she take this out on me.... but then I realized. Its because I see through her schemes and manipulations. Its because I call her out on it and refuse to let it happen to others.
The last 7 months, her bio mom has called once to ask about the billing for the therapy center. She didn't even call her on her birthday. M had to call her. She gave up on calling her mom over the past few months, but recently (because its close to xmas I asssume) she wants to call her mom nearly every day. We let her, even though we don't think its a good idea. M is always upset when she gets off the phone. She hears about her little brother being spoiled, being in sports, trips etc... when M didn't get any of that. Bio mom always talks about medical issues, and that effects M and she convinces herself she has the same conditon. I have a feeling that after xmas, M will cease contact again with her bio mom.
The reality of having a child that has been through so much and now has mental disabilities because of it is a struggle that I wish on nobody. Its a struggle for her because she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know herself or what she likes. She is mentally behind by a few years and its apparent in the way she talks and acts, but she WANTS to be like average 16 year olds with boyfriends and jobs and go to the mall with no parents... but mentally she isn't that old. She isn't capable of counting money (weve tried teaching her) She struggles with reading and has the spelling ability of a 1st grader.
As parents we struggle with giving her the childhood that she missed out on, but also balancing safety and learning. Its like walking a razor wire every day and its exhausting.
